Wonder Woman 1984. What did I just see?

1984. The year of chintz, country style, bold geometric patterns (Memphis design), day-glo, and Japanese zen…

…the fusion of dance and new wave music and the rise of synthesizers, MTV, and Rolling Stone…

…racquetball, jazzercise, Bowflex, and thigh masters…

…blockbuster action/adventure movies, bigger than life stars, and lighthearted comedies…

…increased incidences of on-the-job sexual harassment and workplace discrimination, the rise of the anti-abortion movement, and the defeat of the equal rights movement…

…deepening racial inequality, inner cities yet to recover from the ’68 riots…

…and if you lived in DC, “Cool Disco Dan” graffiti…everywhere…

None of this really features in the new Wonder Woman movie ("WW84"). Somehow this film makes both the Amazonian superhero and the decade seem, well, less wondrous. The movie never feels grounded in the 80s (the closest we get to an 80s vibe is a climactic CGI battle right out of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats”), and, consequently, it misses out on a lot of opportunities. So. Many. Misses. I almost don’t know where to start.

Almost.

SPOILERS FOLLOW. Let’s start with the trailer. It offered so much promise when it was released, including New Order’s “Blue Monday” (sure, it’s an anachronism that the trailer features something closer to the 1988 version of the song as opposed to the original ’83 version). It was the strength of that trailer that got me to test drive this HBO Max-slash-Warner Brothers hybrid on Christmas Day. I wanted to watch the movie that was advertised. But the audience didn’t get that or New Order’s “Blue Monday.”

There are very few 80s tracks featured in this film. Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Welcome to the Pleasure Dome” (arguably a hit?) gets played about 45 minutes in, but that’s about it. Correction: I read in the credits that Duran Duran’s “Rio” made an appearance, but I honestly don’t remember hearing it.

Instead, we get a Zimmer score. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great composer, but when I think of the 80s, I don’t think of Hans Zimmer. I think of post punk, new wave, and hard rock; synth, reverb snares, and jangly guitars.

Missed Opportunity 1. Think of how great this soundtrack would have been, could have been, if it had been given the Marvel treatment (see soundtracks for Black Panther, Guardians of the Galaxy, etc.).

Missed Opportunity 2. The initial action sequence takes place in a mall. Why? Because they apparently really wanted to set a chase in a mall...despite there being absolutely no reason for it to be there. Black market antiquities aren’t generally trafficked in a mall. But, nothing says, “This is set in the 80s,” quite like a CGI-infused shopping mall fight.

The object of their desire? The “dream stone” which imbues the antagonists with superpowers. Where have we seen that McGuffin before? Oh, that’s right, everywhere.

Later in the film, there’s a car chase in Cairo. Wonder Woman clings to the bottom of a truck à la Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." It's not a parody. It's not an homage. Rather, given the total lack of context, it seems like a theft as botched as the one earlier at the mall.

If you’re going to have a superhero film with magical rocks and a historian/museum curator keen on discovering their secrets (calling Dr. Jones?), why not buy into the Raiders mythos whole hog? Lean in. Maybe have Diana Prince and Steve Trevor hit a late screening of the Harrison Ford flick prior to that truck chase.

Better yet, figure out another way for Barbara/Cheetah and Maxwell Lord to gain their powers. Because all the dream stone does is expose Diana’s shortcomings. (No, Diana, it is not a citrine fake)

An aside: the plot’s such a mess that there’s even a character, Babajide, with the sole three-minute purpose of providing an infodump regarding the McGuffin. How do they find him after hours and hours of microfiche research? With a timely found street pamphlet. The guy just happens to be down the street. Isn't that all convenient?

Missed Opportunity 3. Nothing is more 80s than the dressing room montage (except for maybe the “training” montage). WW84 provided a great tongue in cheek opportunity to introduce more music as Steve Trevor tries on clothes. Diana Prince could have cut him short, saying something like, “Okay, this is ridiculous, we’re going to be late for the Harrison Ford movie.” But it didn’t, and this is the only time NOT including a montage is plain lazy.

Missed Opportunity 4. The best science fiction holds a mirror up to society. WW84 is not the best science fiction.

There are some bad men who objectify women and worse in this film. But they’re peripheral, and the movie almost goes out of its way to avoid commenting on the glass ceiling (a term coined in 1978, just six years prior to the events of the movie) or social inequality.

There are three types of struggles in fiction (man against man, man against nature, or man against himself; sometimes man versus the supernatural is also recognized as a classification). Conflict drives the story, and the best movies have lots of it. There’s limited conflict in WW84. Why not shine a light on Diana’s likely struggles within these 80s institutions, struggles like equal pay, discrimination, and sexual harassment? Why not highlight her battles with bad bosses and even worse co-workers (or vice versa)? Why not use the film as a lens to address inequality in our own time?

At times, Diana Prince almost seems like she’s complicit in the crimes of men. When Cheetah/Barbara Minerva (played by Kristen Wiig) gets attacked by a man in the park, Diana saves her. But she doesn’t offer to walk her home. She just leaves her there, damaged, to fend for herself. It’s weird, especially for someone that’s supposed to be a friend and peer.

Gal Gadot is no stranger to controversy. There was the whole "Imagine" debacle, and the whitewashing of Cleopatra. Worse, there were accusations of victim shaming. In some ways, Gadot's own character flaws may embody some of her character's tone deafness.

In WW84, Diana has nonconsensual sex with the man Steve Trevor has possessed. It’s "Quantum Leap," but creepier (Quantum Creep?). And when Diana and Steve argue about whether she should rescind her wish, the fate of the man who Steve inhabits is never discussed. I realized that the character is only identified in the credits as “Handsome Man,” seemingly further negating his agency.

Summary

I wonder if there was a conscious effort to avoid comparisons to other films, like Atomic Blonde. After all, Atomic Blonde features a commanding female lead and amazing choreography. It’s set during the height of the Cold War with broad strokes of neon and a fantastic 80s soundtrack. And it does this all without much need for bad CGI.

I wanted to like this movie, the invisible plane and Wonder Woman's newly acquired flying skills. And I did like parts, especially the Chris Pine fish-out-of-water story. But if given a choice of seeing WW84 or something more substantial, like "Atomic Blonde," or "Haywire," or "Hanna" (or even "Anna"), I'd definitely watch one of the latter again.